I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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