Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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