you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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