Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
