i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
