The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
