there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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