Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize