it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
