put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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