Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
