Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
