did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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