Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
