I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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