my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
