You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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