I've blown a few things in my day
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Let's get the cat blown out
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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