the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
