My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he was CRYING into my vagina
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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