It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
