I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
