yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
