Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
