she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
