im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
