did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
