Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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