a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
