Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He better not be in your backpack
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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