I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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