More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
