Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
