i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
