He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
