final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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