Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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