I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
