I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize