Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
