One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize