OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
someone owes me an orgasm
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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