So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
