Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize