Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
