Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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