Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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