Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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