She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
