wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
