I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
