You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize