i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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