He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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