So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
