He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
