3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize