Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
