I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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