Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
