is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
false alarm. still invincible.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
