Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i think i have two assholes
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
we're so committed to being not committed
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
