I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
