I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
