good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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