I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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