Can Purell be used as lube?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Drake has all the answers
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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