I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
