We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
