thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize