i would punch a child for taco bell
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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