he told me I talked like a deaf person
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
50% drunk capacity currently
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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