at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
