Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
