so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
