Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
